i'm an idiot i can' believe i made out with him i knew it too i knew the minute he sent me a text and he told me he was going to leave wiht me that it would happen i shouldn't have listened i should've dropped him off first then the others and for a sec i thought he wanted to be dropped off was because he was embarrased. but he wasn't he wanted me to park and hook up with him i didn't do anything but god i would fuck him i dont'knwo why because he's not my type at all but i odn't know what it is about him that makes me want him super bad. i feel bad for she is super sweet and this shouldn't have happened even though i showed a lot of restraint and toldhim no because i didn't want i knew he was drunk and i wasn't really drunk at all actuallly but still i wantedd so bad.

i start spring sememster tom. i'm kind of excited i start my new diet tom. hopefully it works out, but this time i really think it will this time. why you ask because the guy i realy want is come may 4th and i have until then to lose massive amounts of weight and i want to i want this to be anew year a new me i want to wear a bikini for the first time without feel conscious of what people are staring at i am a really skinny person trapt in a chunky person body an di don't want it anymore this year i plan on focusing on me and all aspects of it my weight, skin, school especially school :D

happy new years! i finally had one enjoyable new years, thank god because really i think i deserved one iwas with friends and no parents although lucky me gets her keys stuck in her car, mind you i never leave my dooor locked well only when i get home but thats not my fault i ahve bowl in there and in the trunk liquour bottles and it sinc ei don't reeally trust my parents at all i do this and so w.e i don 't know why i'm an idiot and locked the door. my lovely mom decideds to butt into my life as usul bitching that i left my door locked and i dont' know where the spare keys are. really shit liek this happens all the time and she's done it to so i don't know why. o0o wait i do know why she does this its called being an attention whore and maybe if she wasn't one then she wouldn't speak as much as she does now. i really try to se what it is that my dad sees in my mom to be with her and to be wtih her for so long but no mattter what i can't see yeah she's not an ugly woman actually but really she's fat she has zero personality and she's not funny at all but apparently the saying is true there is someone out there for everyone. whihc gets me to the part that had no new years kiss i really start to lose weoight because this whoel thing is getting to me i really thing its mostly my arm because genically big arms but obviously the extra weight doens't help out all. but i am going to cancel my subscription because A i can't afford it well i technically can but i don't want to be pay check to tpaycheck and B dade has a lovely free gym so i might as well use that one and since i shall be leaving schoool earlier than the norm i might as well. which gets me to the subject of school i failed two classes my sociology one i know teresita who i love and still do it was the essays i was to lazy to do which i prob. would've gotten A'S in them but since that stuped thing online said i had a B i didn't really think, it was that important and math which we all knew was coming ubt stilljust because i was finally paying attention i really do think i might actually do well this time thank god, but i have to get all A's in order to keepp my scholarship because i need a 3.0 to keep my scholarship and right now i have a 2.0 so i can't afford adnything less than an A really but you knwo what th at was the first semester and i relaly do think i'll do better in this one i means its the new years i'm changing for the better. i'm realizing that i need to do things for my self and focus on the things that matter because i need it mgiht be four long annoying years but really it will work out all in the long wrong . and you know hwat what happens if school isn't for me than i'll find what it is but i do really wan tot do beauty school and massage school i don't know some ppl like to hav emultiple majors of intelilgent things like english law blah blah but really wny i only really need one degree and if i'm going to get another one it beter be fun because i dont want to have to work twic eas hard for no funnn :D we'lll Sseee yeii for the new years :D

lovephysical
emotionalsexualis it all the same? is one better than the other? the longing of wanting to touch anothers body explore it find what you like what you don't spend your time on every inch of his body fillled with lost, the moment you lock eyes you can't wait to be intertwined with someone, can you help who you want or fall in love with. what makes you want someone but not love them i mean the physical attraction is clearly there does that mean you can't have love without the emotional love because then its just lust but what about those that fall in love the minute they meet lust must be a part of it. is it all differentt i liek to think i fall in love wiht everyone and i like it i use to be cautious about it but not anymore what happens enjoy the moment enjoy the second the others body i want to be completly indulged with his body not even think without having to take a breath of air. i won't and i'm glad i'm realizing that everyone should just dive into it you only live once and sometimes the most unconventional love affairs are the most appetizing the ones you remember the most the ones you miss the most. there is nothing more satisfying than the breath of a mans breath on your neck or the ways he grbs and you can feel his whole body wanting you wanting to get even closer than you already are.just some thoughts i thought i should remember lol :)

i use to have the ability of anywhere i went i could talk to anyone and charm the pants off anyone, every job i had i was friends with everyone. i recently realized i don't have that anymore my current job and the one before i barely spoke to anyone i spoke to one person in for love and in bath and body maybe two sometimes i say something to someone but for the most part i've kept to myself. i think that part of me died when my grandfather and i don't know how to get it back i look back and realize how others couldn't always do that and now i'm part of the latter crowd i'm not the same happy go lucky girl with problems but always managed to put them inside and not let it affect me. but i guess my grandfather was the last drop of my full glass and i can no longer pretend i don't have problems because i do i guess that is the only plus side of the situation i am not more human than before because i dont always have a smile on my face, but that tiny ounce of innocence i had finally died and i'm now like the rest of the people out there tired, angry, hurt and just trying to get through it all. maybe i'll get that back the nothing to lose attitude or maybe i won't and i will have to learn how to deal with losing that. i just hate it because it s another step closer to being my mother a bitter woman who never lives in the moments and lives in the could of and would have beens from the past. i can't be like her i can't let her win i need to be better different i want to grow old with laugh lines not the angry lines my mother tries so hard to cover.

here are the things i hope to do before the end of next year
1. finally lose all the weight i've wanted to lose
2. go skydiving
3. do awesome at school
4. finish dade with an awesome average and finish period.
5. let go of the people i need to let go of
6. come to terms with the fact that i will really be a part of this family
7. be okay with that
8. drive to sonic
9. meet someone that will challenge me
10. get the tattoo of my grandfather

i want someone to cuddle with someone to laugh with someone to cry with someone i can kiss when ever i want without having to worry about who's watching someone who thinks i'm funny someone that can take me seriously when needed someone that knows i am not always happy i'm a person too someone that is completly in love with me including my flaws someone that understand i can't draw but i paint really well someone that thinks its okay that i'm a huge book worm someone that won't mind spending hours talking about nothing and still loving the moment someone that doesn't think inside the box someone that can surprise me someone that can change my mind on humanity someone that will challenge me won't try to change me but won't mind if i did change for the better someone that will laugh at the fact i only cry in movies but understands why i don't cry in person someone that knows i do have a heart and i do get hurt and i do get sad and just becuase i don't cry doesn't mean i'm not devasted someone that will take my side someone that will show me that not all men are the same someone that can be sexy in just a shorts and a shirt someone that is happy wiht themselves someone that looks at life with a different perspective someone that can jump on the bed with me someone that won't mind dancing with me like we can't dance someone that gets that i dont' want to be fixed i just want to be heard someoene that gets that i am not like everyone else someone that just think i'm the funny one of the group someone that looks at me like i'm the only one in the room someone that i need to see in order to make sure things are okay and i'm safe someone that knows that hugs can be better than sex at times someone that would love to adopt children with me someone that will laugh at my terrible jokes someoene that will point out that i have terrible jokes but loves them anyways someone that will understand that it does hurt that my grandfather died and just because id on't cry doesn't mean i don't think of him everyday someone that will let me drive his car someone that will paint pots with me someone that will lay on the grass with me in utter silence someone that will themselves no matter what happens soemoen that won't be crazy jealous soemeon that won't try to manage my life someone that will get i like to hold hands discreetly and not in public someone that knows on the other hand sometimes pda is needed thats allll