i use to have the ability of anywhere i went i could talk to anyone and charm the pants off anyone, every job i had i was friends with everyone. i recently realized i don't have that anymore my current job and the one before i barely spoke to anyone i spoke to one person in for love and in bath and body maybe two sometimes i say something to someone but for the most part i've kept to myself. i think that part of me died when my grandfather and i don't know how to get it back i look back and realize how others couldn't always do that and now i'm part of the latter crowd i'm not the same happy go lucky girl with problems but always managed to put them inside and not let it affect me. but i guess my grandfather was the last drop of my full glass and i can no longer pretend i don't have problems because i do i guess that is the only plus side of the situation i am not more human than before because i dont always have a smile on my face, but that tiny ounce of innocence i had finally died and i'm now like the rest of the people out there tired, angry, hurt and just trying to get through it all. maybe i'll get that back the nothing to lose attitude or maybe i won't and i will have to learn how to deal with losing that. i just hate it because it s another step closer to being my mother a bitter woman who never lives in the moments and lives in the could of and would have beens from the past. i can't be like her i can't let her win i need to be better different i want to grow old with laugh lines not the angry lines my mother tries so hard to cover.