so i just started college and honestly i really thought it would be more life changing i feel like i am back in highschool its a combination of the fact that i am going to a school where more than half of my graduating class atneds as well. and the fact that its not the school of my dreams i don't know i expected to feel different but i don't. maybe it will change who knows. i think i want a boyfriend but i'm not sure and i know its kind of terrible but i just want to have sex aleady and get it over with the only reason why i haven't had sex its because i've been to self conscious of myself and get nervous not because i'm waiting for anybody and i feel like the more i wait then the more important it's oging to seem for the other person. and i know that i shouldn't think like that but i do and i would rahter lose it to some random guy just because i dont' want that person to think they can hold that against me to hurt me and not in the blackmail way but in the way that you must care if you wanted to lose your virginity to me and i dont' want anyone to ever be able to say that. i get the feeling that sometimes mimi and vicky don't like going out with me and id ont' know why yess i am aware i can be slutty and hook up with ppl but should that really matter to anyone else besides me and my concious but apperently that is not the case with them. really i think it vickys insecurites that makes her hate the way that i am and no i am not a cocky person but its just seems that way she gets angry and defensive and trys to belittle me anyway possible when i do and when she is with mimi mimi acts like she has no mind or opnion of her own and it bothers me at some point and now that i think of it mimi also doesn't really like me knowing her guys but with her i don't feel its jealousy as much as it is that she doesn't trust me and honestly i don't careee that vicky is jealous get over it already but it does hurt that she doesn't trust me and i do my best to ignore but you knowww it gets to you sometimes. vicky i feel like i am at work with her like i have to mind what i say think before i speak recognize the consequences of my actions and really it just exhausting and sometimes if eel bad but really i dont' know why i do i'm not the one that makes bitchy comments i'm not the one that says things to make you feel bad adn then act like tis funny really its fucking annoying hwo she thinks becuase she is upset it entitles her to treat everyone around her like shit whyyy and you know whyyy because everyone puts up with it instead of saying he vicky you are 5 feet way almost two hundred pounds so shut the fuck up and deal with it yourself. thats another whyyy do you make fat jokes about monica when you are overweight yourself and have more insecurites than she does. thats why you don't have a boyfiend thats why you dont' find guys that want you not because fat but because you are a bitter bitch and you ahve a rude fucking personality and you know what other ppl don't give a fuck and everyone can see past that and see that you just have low self esteem so you act like this so no one will notice really its not working get the fuck over it and over yourself grow up and act your age not a five year old