sometimes you are your worst enemy i can be fine and as soon as i lay down to sleep i start crying adn i am not sure why. maybe its a combination of everythin the future the past the present. everything i always seem to go back to wehn my mother told me i wasn't an innocent child it doesn't seem like a huge big deal but maybe thats why mother hates me and why she can't love me or maybe because she herself lives in a prison and knowing htat i won't ever let myself be in the situation taht she is in and that has to hurt her or knowing htat i hate her and can never get over it. i am not her i can't be her she is ugly and when i am at my ugliest i feel just like her. she claims to love herself we got into an argument my father as usual not knowing how to be a man let alone a father thinks that the only way to resolve issues is to say things to hurt you and get a reaction out of you so when he its you he can say its because you were angry and my mom is trying to stop him which is mind blowing maybe because if he is hitting me she can't hit me he grabs her and says i am going to hit you too if you don't let go of me go cook me breakfast lmaoooo o0o wow way to be a woman mom thanks for just setting us back fifty years for not saying anything. maybe you like that mom right you like that shit cooking and cleaning for your husband so he can love you adn not be mad so someone can care about yuou and you wont' be alone because you can't make it own your own because you are a sad pathetic soul that is lost and is full of unsolved issues from your own screwed up childhood that you try to hide by talking about all things the rich things you had. i can see past that i know you hated your mom you are just like me you only say you love her becuase she is your mom and you have to but we both know you can't possibly love soemeon that inflicts the most pain on you or maybe you can maybe you like that pain just to know that you exist that someone notices your pain that you are real taht you bleed and hurt and scream and feel and sometimes that feeling of pain can be so addiciting i can hate that my paretns hit me but sometimes i just want more hit me one more time i feel more human wehn i hurt that any other emotion i can ever have maybe i won't be able to break the cycle and continue the abuse the physica and most of all the emotional abuse. the daily breakdown of your person of your soul your thoughts your feelings your everything. its the being at your ugliest everyday because you constantly feel you have to have a wall up so you won't get hurt so you won't be vulnerable so people won't know that you can hurt. my grandfather died and i loved him but he was just the same in the family not one picture of me anybody that went to house wouldn't have known i existed its as if he wanted to pretend i didn't exist or maybe he didn't i don't know and never will. i thought that i would get older and all this anger and hatred i had for my family would just die out but it hasn't its the ira that i have that i can't let go its the fact that they stole so much from me and i dont' mean money i mean of myself days that i can't have back that they took when i was young older and now they took and didnt' give it back all the tears they took all the pain all the tiem i took out of my life all the happiness and i am not starting ot realize that i will never get over it even when i am older and awya and they are dead and gone i will still remember all the words they said. maybe i wans't innocent as a child but i was a child one that stil thougth her daddy was her superhero and that he would save her and never let her down who thoguth her mom was the best and her brother loved her and was her world who thohght grandparents owened and no one could comete with them who still needed to hear the words i love you and the daily hugs that i never recieved or the proud moments that i never got i needed them and i still need them.