i'm an idiot i can' believe i made out with him i knew it too i knew the minute he sent me a text and he told me he was going to leave wiht me that it would happen i shouldn't have listened i should've dropped him off first then the others and for a sec i thought he wanted to be dropped off was because he was embarrased. but he wasn't he wanted me to park and hook up with him i didn't do anything but god i would fuck him i dont'knwo why because he's not my type at all but i odn't know what it is about him that makes me want him super bad. i feel bad for she is super sweet and this shouldn't have happened even though i showed a lot of restraint and toldhim no because i didn't want i knew he was drunk and i wasn't really drunk at all actuallly but still i wantedd so bad.

i start spring sememster tom. i'm kind of excited i start my new diet tom. hopefully it works out, but this time i really think it will this time. why you ask because the guy i realy want is come may 4th and i have until then to lose massive amounts of weight and i want to i want this to be anew year a new me i want to wear a bikini for the first time without feel conscious of what people are staring at i am a really skinny person trapt in a chunky person body an di don't want it anymore this year i plan on focusing on me and all aspects of it my weight, skin, school especially school :D

happy new years! i finally had one enjoyable new years, thank god because really i think i deserved one iwas with friends and no parents although lucky me gets her keys stuck in her car, mind you i never leave my dooor locked well only when i get home but thats not my fault i ahve bowl in there and in the trunk liquour bottles and it sinc ei don't reeally trust my parents at all i do this and so w.e i don 't know why i'm an idiot and locked the door. my lovely mom decideds to butt into my life as usul bitching that i left my door locked and i dont' know where the spare keys are. really shit liek this happens all the time and she's done it to so i don't know why. o0o wait i do know why she does this its called being an attention whore and maybe if she wasn't one then she wouldn't speak as much as she does now. i really try to se what it is that my dad sees in my mom to be with her and to be wtih her for so long but no mattter what i can't see yeah she's not an ugly woman actually but really she's fat she has zero personality and she's not funny at all but apparently the saying is true there is someone out there for everyone. whihc gets me to the part that had no new years kiss i really start to lose weoight because this whoel thing is getting to me i really thing its mostly my arm because genically big arms but obviously the extra weight doens't help out all. but i am going to cancel my subscription because A i can't afford it well i technically can but i don't want to be pay check to tpaycheck and B dade has a lovely free gym so i might as well use that one and since i shall be leaving schoool earlier than the norm i might as well. which gets me to the subject of school i failed two classes my sociology one i know teresita who i love and still do it was the essays i was to lazy to do which i prob. would've gotten A'S in them but since that stuped thing online said i had a B i didn't really think, it was that important and math which we all knew was coming ubt stilljust because i was finally paying attention i really do think i might actually do well this time thank god, but i have to get all A's in order to keepp my scholarship because i need a 3.0 to keep my scholarship and right now i have a 2.0 so i can't afford adnything less than an A really but you knwo what th at was the first semester and i relaly do think i'll do better in this one i means its the new years i'm changing for the better. i'm realizing that i need to do things for my self and focus on the things that matter because i need it mgiht be four long annoying years but really it will work out all in the long wrong . and you know hwat what happens if school isn't for me than i'll find what it is but i do really wan tot do beauty school and massage school i don't know some ppl like to hav emultiple majors of intelilgent things like english law blah blah but really wny i only really need one degree and if i'm going to get another one it beter be fun because i dont want to have to work twic eas hard for no funnn :D we'lll Sseee yeii for the new years :D

lovephysical
emotionalsexualis it all the same? is one better than the other? the longing of wanting to touch anothers body explore it find what you like what you don't spend your time on every inch of his body fillled with lost, the moment you lock eyes you can't wait to be intertwined with someone, can you help who you want or fall in love with. what makes you want someone but not love them i mean the physical attraction is clearly there does that mean you can't have love without the emotional love because then its just lust but what about those that fall in love the minute they meet lust must be a part of it. is it all differentt i liek to think i fall in love wiht everyone and i like it i use to be cautious about it but not anymore what happens enjoy the moment enjoy the second the others body i want to be completly indulged with his body not even think without having to take a breath of air. i won't and i'm glad i'm realizing that everyone should just dive into it you only live once and sometimes the most unconventional love affairs are the most appetizing the ones you remember the most the ones you miss the most. there is nothing more satisfying than the breath of a mans breath on your neck or the ways he grbs and you can feel his whole body wanting you wanting to get even closer than you already are.just some thoughts i thought i should remember lol :)

i use to have the ability of anywhere i went i could talk to anyone and charm the pants off anyone, every job i had i was friends with everyone. i recently realized i don't have that anymore my current job and the one before i barely spoke to anyone i spoke to one person in for love and in bath and body maybe two sometimes i say something to someone but for the most part i've kept to myself. i think that part of me died when my grandfather and i don't know how to get it back i look back and realize how others couldn't always do that and now i'm part of the latter crowd i'm not the same happy go lucky girl with problems but always managed to put them inside and not let it affect me. but i guess my grandfather was the last drop of my full glass and i can no longer pretend i don't have problems because i do i guess that is the only plus side of the situation i am not more human than before because i dont always have a smile on my face, but that tiny ounce of innocence i had finally died and i'm now like the rest of the people out there tired, angry, hurt and just trying to get through it all. maybe i'll get that back the nothing to lose attitude or maybe i won't and i will have to learn how to deal with losing that. i just hate it because it s another step closer to being my mother a bitter woman who never lives in the moments and lives in the could of and would have beens from the past. i can't be like her i can't let her win i need to be better different i want to grow old with laugh lines not the angry lines my mother tries so hard to cover.

here are the things i hope to do before the end of next year
1. finally lose all the weight i've wanted to lose
2. go skydiving
3. do awesome at school
4. finish dade with an awesome average and finish period.
5. let go of the people i need to let go of
6. come to terms with the fact that i will really be a part of this family
7. be okay with that
8. drive to sonic
9. meet someone that will challenge me
10. get the tattoo of my grandfather

i want someone to cuddle with someone to laugh with someone to cry with someone i can kiss when ever i want without having to worry about who's watching someone who thinks i'm funny someone that can take me seriously when needed someone that knows i am not always happy i'm a person too someone that is completly in love with me including my flaws someone that understand i can't draw but i paint really well someone that thinks its okay that i'm a huge book worm someone that won't mind spending hours talking about nothing and still loving the moment someone that doesn't think inside the box someone that can surprise me someone that can change my mind on humanity someone that will challenge me won't try to change me but won't mind if i did change for the better someone that will laugh at the fact i only cry in movies but understands why i don't cry in person someone that knows i do have a heart and i do get hurt and i do get sad and just becuase i don't cry doesn't mean i'm not devasted someone that will take my side someone that will show me that not all men are the same someone that can be sexy in just a shorts and a shirt someone that is happy wiht themselves someone that looks at life with a different perspective someone that can jump on the bed with me someone that won't mind dancing with me like we can't dance someone that gets that i dont' want to be fixed i just want to be heard someoene that gets that i am not like everyone else someone that just think i'm the funny one of the group someone that looks at me like i'm the only one in the room someone that i need to see in order to make sure things are okay and i'm safe someone that knows that hugs can be better than sex at times someone that would love to adopt children with me someone that will laugh at my terrible jokes someoene that will point out that i have terrible jokes but loves them anyways someone that will understand that it does hurt that my grandfather died and just because id on't cry doesn't mean i don't think of him everyday someone that will let me drive his car someone that will paint pots with me someone that will lay on the grass with me in utter silence someone that will themselves no matter what happens soemoen that won't be crazy jealous soemeon that won't try to manage my life someone that will get i like to hold hands discreetly and not in public someone that knows on the other hand sometimes pda is needed thats allll

its been two months since school started and i can't wait until i can transfer and leave miami and really start my college experience i haven't gotten it yet or maybe i am and just don't notice where are the cute mysterious guys the different guys are they always going to be the same maybe its me and i just don't change i wil though i mean i am changing at this moment i have a job now woot woot for finally having money well soon anywyas lol not that much but enough school isn't that bad math sucks lol but then again when does it not suck sociology is awesome and i'm sure this is the major i want missed the debate i'll catch it later i think i might be ready for a boyfriend or maybe its the song that makes me feel this way i thought i found a boy i was wrong o0o well i won't dwell on it i'm having fun more than i have in a long time and i don't feel the need not to be anything but me maybe i'm growing up lol i just realized this is the first time i post something that doesn't sound like i want to slit my wrist lol i 'm not emo i just hav emy moments and i normally don't talk to anyone about it so for the ppl reading this you know me better than most o0o wait no one reads this evennn better lol i want my industrial but i'm to scared for it but i'll get it :)

so my dad gets home and he reminds me what a piece of shit i am. and why you ask o0o because i didn't call him this morning. letter to my father: you know why i don't call you dad because the only thing that is fatherly about you is the title father. you don't know how to be one. you are an asshole you buy into the whole shit of choosing sides with mom. wow and the thing is i adore you dad ever since i was little i've had problems with mom but not you, you were my hero you could do no wrong but you let mom influence you and whenever she was mad at me and told you to handle me you did you didn't stop think that maybe i was right or maybe you shouldn't interfere no you handled me. there is nothing more degrading than when a man hits a women and you know that because you enver hit mom never but with me you don't care you hit me and get so angry and you don't even know what the problem is. and then the weekend of my birthday i get the wonderful speech on how i will never learn unless i get hit and you would never do anything because you would understand because i don't know when to stop arguing and that my brother talks a lot of shit and he wouldn't do anything either. you think i don't know that nobody in this family would do anythign for me i am well aware of what my place is in this family the only one that gave an anything is abuelo and he died and you know what he didn't want anythign to do with this family because he knew it he knew that his daughter only cared about her image and that she was a snob adn that you are an asshole and that luis didn't love him and not being loved is terrible i hope it hurts you that i don't love you anymore that i can't because it hurts even more that i love you at least with mom i don't care becuase i stopped loving her years ago but you foole dme into thinking that you would be a dad and you would care about me but you don't and you never will becuase i am not the person you want me to be but you know what i am the person i want to be and the only time i am this ugly is with the family and as soon as i no longer have to depend on you two financially and i can move on i will becasue i never want to be this ugly and i never want to be reminded of my past. and really i don't know how i ever thought you could be a good father when you married a woman has racist biggot uneducated and snobby as mom she goes around thinking she is better than everyone else and makes stupid comments on how she wishes she had a slave you and i both know she sounds like an idiot and how she won't vote for obama not because she doens't agree with him but because he is black although she does agree with his politics and she dind't want hillary becasue she is a woman and women are not good enough to be president and how she owuld rather be a house wife becuase she does think that women should be in the kitchen making food for their husbands but we dont' live in the 50's anymore do we and you don't say anythign because that makes you feel like you're in control like you're the man in the house but really what kind of man does that make you. you hit your daughter and you don't hit your wife because then she will stop bieng your wife as you told me but not me because no matter what i will always be your daughter no matter what you do to me so you know what save it dad i dont' care what you tell me and you know what maybe now i do love you but there will be a time when i don't and eventually i'll leave and you will never see me again unless you're in your death bed then i will go visit you and right before you die i'll let you know how well i am doing with out you and how happy i am and how this all happened becasue of me an dyou had nothing to do with it because you were to busy being in control of the house to ever care what was going on in my life becuase you are right dad all that matters is school not my life not how i feel or who breaks my heart or who has my heart or what i like to do or what my dreams are jsut school and thats it because you kjnow how us ppol are one dimensional only one thing matters we are not complicated biengs at all right for someone who says they are so smart you do sound like an idiot when you say that because welcome to the real world dad i am not a one dimensional fictional characters i have more than one thing going on in my life love laura the person who is your daughter forever you're right dad but that doesn't mean i have to love you or care and i won't and i will learn to not let you affect me you will not break me anymore

so i just started college and honestly i really thought it would be more life changing i feel like i am back in highschool its a combination of the fact that i am going to a school where more than half of my graduating class atneds as well. and the fact that its not the school of my dreams i don't know i expected to feel different but i don't. maybe it will change who knows. i think i want a boyfriend but i'm not sure and i know its kind of terrible but i just want to have sex aleady and get it over with the only reason why i haven't had sex its because i've been to self conscious of myself and get nervous not because i'm waiting for anybody and i feel like the more i wait then the more important it's oging to seem for the other person. and i know that i shouldn't think like that but i do and i would rahter lose it to some random guy just because i dont' want that person to think they can hold that against me to hurt me and not in the blackmail way but in the way that you must care if you wanted to lose your virginity to me and i dont' want anyone to ever be able to say that. i get the feeling that sometimes mimi and vicky don't like going out with me and id ont' know why yess i am aware i can be slutty and hook up with ppl but should that really matter to anyone else besides me and my concious but apperently that is not the case with them. really i think it vickys insecurites that makes her hate the way that i am and no i am not a cocky person but its just seems that way she gets angry and defensive and trys to belittle me anyway possible when i do and when she is with mimi mimi acts like she has no mind or opnion of her own and it bothers me at some point and now that i think of it mimi also doesn't really like me knowing her guys but with her i don't feel its jealousy as much as it is that she doesn't trust me and honestly i don't careee that vicky is jealous get over it already but it does hurt that she doesn't trust me and i do my best to ignore but you knowww it gets to you sometimes. vicky i feel like i am at work with her like i have to mind what i say think before i speak recognize the consequences of my actions and really it just exhausting and sometimes if eel bad but really i dont' know why i do i'm not the one that makes bitchy comments i'm not the one that says things to make you feel bad adn then act like tis funny really its fucking annoying hwo she thinks becuase she is upset it entitles her to treat everyone around her like shit whyyy and you know whyyy because everyone puts up with it instead of saying he vicky you are 5 feet way almost two hundred pounds so shut the fuck up and deal with it yourself. thats another whyyy do you make fat jokes about monica when you are overweight yourself and have more insecurites than she does. thats why you don't have a boyfiend thats why you dont' find guys that want you not because fat but because you are a bitter bitch and you ahve a rude fucking personality and you know what other ppl don't give a fuck and everyone can see past that and see that you just have low self esteem so you act like this so no one will notice really its not working get the fuck over it and over yourself grow up and act your age not a five year old

sometimes you are your worst enemy i can be fine and as soon as i lay down to sleep i start crying adn i am not sure why. maybe its a combination of everythin the future the past the present. everything i always seem to go back to wehn my mother told me i wasn't an innocent child it doesn't seem like a huge big deal but maybe thats why mother hates me and why she can't love me or maybe because she herself lives in a prison and knowing htat i won't ever let myself be in the situation taht she is in and that has to hurt her or knowing htat i hate her and can never get over it. i am not her i can't be her she is ugly and when i am at my ugliest i feel just like her. she claims to love herself we got into an argument my father as usual not knowing how to be a man let alone a father thinks that the only way to resolve issues is to say things to hurt you and get a reaction out of you so when he its you he can say its because you were angry and my mom is trying to stop him which is mind blowing maybe because if he is hitting me she can't hit me he grabs her and says i am going to hit you too if you don't let go of me go cook me breakfast lmaoooo o0o wow way to be a woman mom thanks for just setting us back fifty years for not saying anything. maybe you like that mom right you like that shit cooking and cleaning for your husband so he can love you adn not be mad so someone can care about yuou and you wont' be alone because you can't make it own your own because you are a sad pathetic soul that is lost and is full of unsolved issues from your own screwed up childhood that you try to hide by talking about all things the rich things you had. i can see past that i know you hated your mom you are just like me you only say you love her becuase she is your mom and you have to but we both know you can't possibly love soemeon that inflicts the most pain on you or maybe you can maybe you like that pain just to know that you exist that someone notices your pain that you are real taht you bleed and hurt and scream and feel and sometimes that feeling of pain can be so addiciting i can hate that my paretns hit me but sometimes i just want more hit me one more time i feel more human wehn i hurt that any other emotion i can ever have maybe i won't be able to break the cycle and continue the abuse the physica and most of all the emotional abuse. the daily breakdown of your person of your soul your thoughts your feelings your everything. its the being at your ugliest everyday because you constantly feel you have to have a wall up so you won't get hurt so you won't be vulnerable so people won't know that you can hurt. my grandfather died and i loved him but he was just the same in the family not one picture of me anybody that went to house wouldn't have known i existed its as if he wanted to pretend i didn't exist or maybe he didn't i don't know and never will. i thought that i would get older and all this anger and hatred i had for my family would just die out but it hasn't its the ira that i have that i can't let go its the fact that they stole so much from me and i dont' mean money i mean of myself days that i can't have back that they took when i was young older and now they took and didnt' give it back all the tears they took all the pain all the tiem i took out of my life all the happiness and i am not starting ot realize that i will never get over it even when i am older and awya and they are dead and gone i will still remember all the words they said. maybe i wans't innocent as a child but i was a child one that stil thougth her daddy was her superhero and that he would save her and never let her down who thoguth her mom was the best and her brother loved her and was her world who thohght grandparents owened and no one could comete with them who still needed to hear the words i love you and the daily hugs that i never recieved or the proud moments that i never got i needed them and i still need them.